Rocks

               Thirty girl campers and five amazing counselors sat in a circle around a candle, listening to one of the deepest devotions that we would hear. That night we talked about how we all have a "rock" or some burden that we carry around, dragging and weighing us down. That rock could be a single event or mistake or something that you worry about everyday. We talked about the rock in our lives and how we need to let go of it. That letting go of it, will be the only way for you to fully enjoy your life. We each grabbed a dirty and bulky rock from the middle of the circle, and thought of what our own rock represented. Some rocks were about friends, divorces, or deaths. Some about alcohol, boys, or family. Other rocks about self hate, suicide, or self harm. Mine about my eating disorder, that held me down each day. Each rock held a deep importance in our lives, a burden that has the power to change each one of us, and a burden that needed to be let go.
           We walked in a line, gripping each other's hands, in the dark silence of a sleeping camp. We lined up at the muddy shore of the river, looking out to the flowing river surrounded by a a million old trees. The only light was the full moon and every star in the clear night sky. We stood in silence looking at a perfect scenery, then heard a prayer for all of our rocks and all of our issues. One by one we threw that heavy rock in the river, letting it go. Some people took longer to let it go, not knowing if they were ready. It took me a while to throw my rock filled with self hate, food, and pain. When I did, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, a bigger sense of freedom. A small group of us stayed back, sobbing and hugging. We stood in a circle, and shared each of our rocks, and supported each other. I don't know how long we stood down by that river for, but it was worth it. We all cried and hugged until we had no tears left. That night will always be one of my favorites, not only did I let go of my rock, but I grew closer and became supported by the most amazing girls.

Let it Go

      Sometimes people say or do things that hurt us, and the best choice is to let it go. I realized this today, when I was walking out of six flags. A group of teenage guys and one girlfriend followed behind my friend and I. One of the boys asked me for my number, I said no thanks because I didn't know him. I walked back to my friend and heard one of the boys yell " It's because you are fat"  at me. Due to my knowledge on how much damage that word can be, and my recovery, I couldn't just take that. After a little confrontation with these kids, I walked away. I realized these people didn't know my story, didn't know that is one of the scariest words for me, they were just angry about my rejection. 

         I knew I couldn't let a little comment like that mess up my recovery. Yes, my amazing friends stood up for me, and made sure I knee how wrong they were. But, I had to realize that those kids do not matter, these strangers in a parking lot cannot decide my future or determine my worth. Everyone has incidents where someone says or does something to hurt us, weather intentional or not. We can let that person and what they did bother us and stick with us. Or, we can be the better person who walks away and brushes off whatever hurt us. I know it is so hard to just let someone hurt you, but getting in a fight over it won't make you feel better. You have to believe that whatever was said or done will not make you less of a person. So don't let what others have done bother you, learn to shake off those negative words.

Enough

                     One day at Selah House, during our body image group the therapist were writing words or phrases that related to us across our forehead. We all were walking around with our positive words written in plain sight on our face. My friend had the word "enough" written in black marker on her forehead. Today, she decided that would be written as a tattoo on her foot.
                     I never really thought about the word "enough" as a compliment, it makes sense though. We all want to be enough. Think about how many times you want to be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, nice enough, smart enough, loved enough, worth enough. Many times we believe our set backs in life are caused by not being good enough at something. You can't get into Yale because "you are not smart enough." You can't be a model because "you are not skinny enough." You can't get a boyfriend because "you are not pretty enough." The words of not being good enough fill our heads daily, whatever the reason, and we always seem to believe them. Imagine if we always believed that whatever we did was good enough. If whatever we looked like was pretty enough, that our body was always nice enough for us to love. I feel like we all would have a lot less worries in life then. When used as an adjective the dictionary definition of enough is to be adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. If you think about this in terms of our lives, it is extremely true. We all want to fulfill a want and desire in either our own or other's life. I think that we all need that constant reminder that we are enough, that we don't need to change ourselves, and that trying our best is always good enough. Try to remember, you are enough, no matter what.

Inside my Mind

                I have recently realized how little our society understands about nutrition, proper exercise, being "fat," and eating disorders. Whether it is on television , magazines, websites, and even schools, many times healthy lifestyles are promoted in an unhealthy way. Even my school district doesn't teach the true facts on eating disorders, if they teach it at all. Now, I could go into all the ways to truly be healthy and the real information on eating disorders, but I will save that lesson for another post. I thought a good way to help others understand an eating disorder better, is by giving common day to day thoughts and feelings of someone whom is struggling.
                First, let me clear up a huge misconception. An outrageous number of people (including the writers of my schools psychology book) think that anorexia and bulimia are just an attempt to lose weight because they think they are fat and ugly. While eating disorders appear to be only about weight and food,  they are normally a way for people to try to cope with negative feelings, emotions, or experiences. Near the begining of an eating disorder every meal you skip or time you purge feels like you are in power, happy, healthy, confident, and perfect. As you continue to not nourish your body, everyone else sees you becoming sick, while you see yourself getting perfect. After some time the  euphoria of your eating disorder wares off and is replaced with a mentally numb feeling. You start to just go through the motions, not feeling happy or sad. All the things that used to make you happy or upset don't anymore. You just continue the never ending circle of unhealthy eating. Your eating disorder starts to point out every imperfection in your life, making it seem that you will never be good enough, happy, or loved. The numb feeling turns into depression, you always are crying about how much you can't stand your life. The unworthy feelings get stronger as your eating disorder gets stronger. You feel alone as you slowly ruin your life. When people bring up your food or mental issues, you get angry and defensive, not wanting anyone to change or know about your secret. You don't care about how unhealthy you are becoming, you only care about your size, food, and worth. Every time you see the scale go up or stay the same you are filled with gut wrenching devastation, that only makes your eating disorder stronger. All you feel on your body is every ounce of fat. You spend hours staring into the mirror with self hatred until you end up sobbing on the bathroom floor. Your only thoughts revolve around food, body, weight, size, perfection, and numbers. Soon your eating disorder and emotions are so uncontrollably painful that you think everything would be better if you just didn't wake up the next morning. Your life continues to spiral down until you find the want and determination to get your life back. Until you start to recover, and see the true beauty of life and yourself.

Inspiration

The day I left Selah House, my therapist gave me a necklace with three words that describe me. My necklace read "strength" "courage" and "inspire." The word inspire has become a word of my recovery. When I first got to Selah I felt compelled to encourage and inspire the other girls. But, I could not help the others until I helped myself. I felt I would be a hypocrite if I was encouraging others to get help with their issues, while I still coped with mine by unhealthy ways.  So, after Selah House, and feeling stronger in my recovery is when I started to help those around me. It startedwith  friends from past treatment centers, then this blog, people at my school, and now talking to school. Doing this kind of help is what makes me feel better and more confident in myself and my life. In the past month and half that I have been home, iv received an incredible amount of compliments in my recovery and what I am doing. I've been told countless times that I'm an inspiration to so many, and thats what keeps me in recovery. To be truthful, I have struggled a lot since being back, and there has been times when I just want to give up and go back to those sick behaviors.  But, when those thoughts are taking over my mind I think about those who I've helped, those who have encouraged me, and all those people I want to inspire. That's what keeps me in recovery.

Hiding behind a mask

While in treatment I was constantly reminded to "take my mask off," not an actual mask though. My treatment team referred to my "mask" as my way to hide how I am really feeling. I realized that I had been putting on a "mask" for as long as I remember. I'm not the only one who puts on a mask to pretend I'm perfect, it seems as though everyone puts on a mask at least once in their life. These masks are actually just us acting excited and happy, when really we feel the complete opposite inside. So what feelings does this mask hide? The answer is every depressed, angry, upset, or negative feeling you ever get. People put on these masks when they don't want others to see all of their negative feelings, and instead want them to think they are put together, happy, and perfect. These masks always are bright, cheery, and beautiful, because we humans think people will only love and accept us when we are these perfect people. We also think that people will judge and make fun of our true, nasty, and upsetting feelings. We think that no one else will understand our awful feelings, so why share them? The truth is, we all feel these crappy and not so pretty emotions, and we will keep feeling them until we share them and let them go. When we put on those cheerful masks and pretend everything is okay, as we just shoving those negative feelings down as they build up, stronger and stronger. So while we think we are making everything better by just pretending, we are actually making it worse. I have been working on showing my true feelings and not wearing my "mask" all the time for months now. When I am not being truthful about my feelings is when my eating disorder and self harm urges get stronger. So for me, taking of that mask is an important part of my recovery. Obviously, not putting a mask on will be a lot better for your health and well being, Start letting people see how you are really feeling. I grantee you will start feeling a lot better about yourself if you do!

Embrace your Imperfection

        Even though we have grown up hearing that "no body's perfect," (and I don't mean the Hannah Montana song) many people today strive for perfection. While some people just try to perfect a few aspects of their lives, there are some, including myself, who want to perfect their whole life. I have always tried my hardest to have a perfect appearance, hair, grades, behavior, and personality. I can honestly say that my perfectionism is a huge cause of my eating disorder and a focus in countless therapy sessions. It isn't a mystery why we want perfection, our society is constantly rewarding good performance. For example, you pay to see a perfect play, the best audition gets the part, you pay for the perfect song, you expect the perfect starbucks frappuccino, the perfect speller wins the bee, the perfect student gets the scholarship, and the perfect model gets the magazine cover. We even try to be perfect by hiding away all of our problems and emotions. Perfection is like a moving target, no matter how many times you aim and shoot, you can never hit it. So we might as well embrace our imperfection, as they are a part of being a human. Obviously the strive for perfection is never good on our mental and physical health, so why don't we try to be less perfect? I don't mean you need to start failing at everything, but just to try your best at things, and not let it stress you out. We don't always need to spend all of our time worrying about how we can be better at things, we can spend more of our time enjoying the things we love. I assume the option of less worrying and more happiness sounds more appealing, so why don't you try it? It's pretty hard to be happy when you can never be as good as you want, but it is much easier to be happy when you are loving yourself for what you can do and your flaws.
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

Survivor

I don’t know the pain or challenges that you are facing right now and I don’t know how hard life has been for you up until this point. All I do know is that your life has great purpose and significance and this is not the end of the road for you. You were created with great intention for this time and place in history. Your life matters immensely. The struggle that you are going through right now knows that your life is weaved with purpose so it comes against you to wipe you out in an attempt to derail you from living your purpose out loud. Don’t let the fog and storms of the now derail you from the amazing moments and possibilities of your tomorrows. These moments of struggle have significance and they will be the stepping-stones to your greatest victories.

Support Team

           Yes I have an incredible therapist and dietitian and an amazing family who has put up with me through everything. But, I am so extreamly thankful for my friends who support me no matter what. Through treatment I have met girls I can call my best friends, and even though they live states away, I still talk to them everyday and can come to them with my struggles. Even though inpatient treatment sucks, I am so thankful I was able to meet so many amazing girls. During my recovery, I have also been blessed to meet other people who are recovering or recovered from disorders like mine. Even if we aren't all the same age, I have gotten close to many of them and consider them a big part of my recovery. I owe a huge part of my want for recovery to a friend I met less than a year ago. Even though she is in recovery from her own problems, she always is there for me and pushes me to work harder on my recovery. Seeing her determination and positive outlook on life inspired me to go back to get a new therapist and go into treatment. I am extremely blessed to have her come into my life.
          I also have a fantastic group of friends who have stuck by me through all of this. The group of my four closest friends always support me and do anything to help me, even coming over at at 3 a.m. to say goodbye before I left for treatment. Alot of times while I was away I would worry that I would be left out and forgot by my friends, but after reading their many letters and hearing their excited voices on the phone, I realized they were waiting for me right where I left them. Now, I could go on and on about each one of my friends and the tremendous role they have played in my recovery, but I will save the rest of them for another time. My best friend, Madison, has always been the light in every dark part of my life. Before I admitted to my eating disorder, and it was just a "stomach ache" Madison put up with my frequent complaints and constant doctors appointments. She was the one always worried about my health and always looking after me. When I left for Remuda, she cried just as much as me and we hugged in her doorway for hours. Even her family was incredible, as they all prayed with me before I left. I know me being gone was just as hard for her as it was for me, and she became a second big sister for my sisters. She was the one always at my house and waiting for me the day I got home. She never made a big deal out of me coming out about my eating disorder and made sure I was doing what I needed to do for recovery. She was who I cried with and complained to. When I started self harm she was devastated and by telling my mom, saved my life. Though I still feel bad for lying to her about so many things I was doing, I know she has forgiven me. She supported me on my choice to go back to treatment even though It was hard for her. Hearing her struggles without me left me devastated, but it shows her love for me. While I was gone she watched over my family, worked on understanding eating disorders, and sent me countless letters. Now that I am back she makes sure I am doing okay and staying in recovery. I am so blessed for my best friend and so many other of the people in my support team.