My Story

    I have had a few people ask me to share my story, so I guess I will...
I never realized I had a bad relationship with food and myself when I was younger, but looking back on it made me realize I have been struggling for a long time now. My eating disorder took full control at the end of eighth grade, probably a mix of stress from middle school drama and starting high school. The whole summer I spent with a "stomach ache" every time I ate, thinking I ate too much. Little did I know, every stomach ache was caused by anxiety of weight gain. I started high school, where I felt so out of place and alone. I didn't have any friends in my class, and was surrounded by kids I didn't want to associate with. The more I felt inadequate in the school, the stronger the stomach aches got, and the less I ate. By the end of fall, I was constantly getting test done to see what was wrong with me, because I wouldn't admit to my eating disorder. Once Christmas came by, I was isolating my self from everyone and hiding my pain behind my school work and how I looked. I was getting sicker every day, engaging in so many anorexia behaviors, but not admitting to any of them. I was lying to everyone, saying I was fine, even though I cried every day. I had lost a lot of weight, I was always cold, tired, weak, depressed, and sick. I cannot remember much of my spring break, but I know it was miserable. On Easter of 2012, my parents told me they were sending me to Remuda Ranch, an eating disorder treatment center in Arizona. I cried, fought, screamed, and said I was fine. My parents just said "You are on your death bed, we can't help you anymore." I didn't know at that time, that so many  people worried that I wasn't going to live. After painful goodbyes, I left. On April 10 2012, I was admitted to remuda. I had never hated my life so much, I lied about all of my problems and didn't even try to get help. After a month, I came home, back to all of my bad behaviors. I kept not eating, lying, and striving for perfection. I continued losing weight, I was sick and ruined my whole summer. I started sophomore year, ready for a better year, but not ready to get rid of my eating disorder. I continued stressing over everything and always being depressed. I started getting back to a better weight, but that came with purging. And with all the guild and depression came with self harm. I met people who really encouraged my recovery, and got a new therapist who is super helpful. But, that didn't make everything better, the lying got worse, eating less, puring more, self harming more, and always hurting. Around winter break, I decided I wanted to get better, but I couldn't do it on my own. After much persistence, I found Selah House. We had to wait for it to open, but after leaving my home again, I went in on February fifth, as the second patient ever. There, I discovered more of my problems, and where they came from. I worked hard, and fought everyday for my freedom. After two months I left with the tools and determination to continue my recovery. I've been home for a month now, I still struggle with my eating disorder and self harm, but every day it gets easier. Since I have been home Iv been using my story as a way to help others, starting this blog, and giving speeches to schools. I would be where I am without my family, amazing friends, and all the fantastic people Iv met through my journey. I'm still fighting for my freedom, but everyday is one step closer.