My Story

    I have had a few people ask me to share my story, so I guess I will...
I never realized I had a bad relationship with food and myself when I was younger, but looking back on it made me realize I have been struggling for a long time now. My eating disorder took full control at the end of eighth grade, probably a mix of stress from middle school drama and starting high school. The whole summer I spent with a "stomach ache" every time I ate, thinking I ate too much. Little did I know, every stomach ache was caused by anxiety of weight gain. I started high school, where I felt so out of place and alone. I didn't have any friends in my class, and was surrounded by kids I didn't want to associate with. The more I felt inadequate in the school, the stronger the stomach aches got, and the less I ate. By the end of fall, I was constantly getting test done to see what was wrong with me, because I wouldn't admit to my eating disorder. Once Christmas came by, I was isolating my self from everyone and hiding my pain behind my school work and how I looked. I was getting sicker every day, engaging in so many anorexia behaviors, but not admitting to any of them. I was lying to everyone, saying I was fine, even though I cried every day. I had lost a lot of weight, I was always cold, tired, weak, depressed, and sick. I cannot remember much of my spring break, but I know it was miserable. On Easter of 2012, my parents told me they were sending me to Remuda Ranch, an eating disorder treatment center in Arizona. I cried, fought, screamed, and said I was fine. My parents just said "You are on your death bed, we can't help you anymore." I didn't know at that time, that so many  people worried that I wasn't going to live. After painful goodbyes, I left. On April 10 2012, I was admitted to remuda. I had never hated my life so much, I lied about all of my problems and didn't even try to get help. After a month, I came home, back to all of my bad behaviors. I kept not eating, lying, and striving for perfection. I continued losing weight, I was sick and ruined my whole summer. I started sophomore year, ready for a better year, but not ready to get rid of my eating disorder. I continued stressing over everything and always being depressed. I started getting back to a better weight, but that came with purging. And with all the guild and depression came with self harm. I met people who really encouraged my recovery, and got a new therapist who is super helpful. But, that didn't make everything better, the lying got worse, eating less, puring more, self harming more, and always hurting. Around winter break, I decided I wanted to get better, but I couldn't do it on my own. After much persistence, I found Selah House. We had to wait for it to open, but after leaving my home again, I went in on February fifth, as the second patient ever. There, I discovered more of my problems, and where they came from. I worked hard, and fought everyday for my freedom. After two months I left with the tools and determination to continue my recovery. I've been home for a month now, I still struggle with my eating disorder and self harm, but every day it gets easier. Since I have been home Iv been using my story as a way to help others, starting this blog, and giving speeches to schools. I would be where I am without my family, amazing friends, and all the fantastic people Iv met through my journey. I'm still fighting for my freedom, but everyday is one step closer.

Healthy IS a compliment

                        One strange cominality I have found with myself and many other people with eating disorders or those in recovery is that the word "healthy" is an insult to them. Most people who don't struggle with an eating disorder understand that "healthy" is something to strive for. In many aspects though, healthy is a word many people with eating disorders are afraid to hear. For them, they hear "fat" "to much" "unhealthy" eating a healthy amount becomes too much for someone with anorexia, being a healthy weight means being overweight, living a healthy lifestyle means you are failing. Most people know that those examples are the complete oposite of "healthy" but, hearing that word still brings a crushing self hate and devestation to those suffering from an eating disorder. Also, while your in recovery "healthy" is still a word that triggers many. So many people who are weight restored and doing well in recovery are told they "Look so beatiful and healthy." As many should take that as a compliment, they don't. Being told "you look so healthy" makes them feel fat, hopless, worthless, and so many other eating disordered thaughts. This isn't the way it should be though, "Healthy" is a compliment. So many of those struggling have been so malnurished, depressed, alone, and harmed for too long, and when they get help their beauty and health starts shining through again. Their skin is tanner, hair is thicker, eyes are brighter, smile is real. They are present in the moment, enjoying life, eating right, dealing with issues. To others healthy is the only way to describe the inspiring beauty coming from those in recovery. That is why it is a compliment.

 

  health·y [hel-thee] adjective, health·i·er, health·i·est. 1. possessing or enjoying good health or a sound and vigorous mentality: a healthy body; a healthy mind. 2. pertaining to or characteristic of good health, or a sound and vigorous mind: a healthy appearance; healthy attitudes. 3. conducive to good health; healthful: healthy recreations. 4. prosperous or sound: a healthy business.

Shake It Out

So, for any of you who have never heard "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine, I highly recommend it. Really listen to the lyrics, and  see how they can relate to your life. This song has pretty much become my recovery song. Not only did it lead me to get help with my eating disorder, but it got me through treatment, and what I listen to every time that i'm struggling.My best friend even gave me a necklace with the lyrics on it, so I have a constant reminder that I can recover. I feel you can relate this song to any problem you are going through, but I really can relate the lyrics to my eating disorder. Lyrics that stand out to me are "It is a fine romance, that has left me so undone" "It's always darkest before the dawn" and "every demon wants it's pound of flesh" (especially the "pound" part, cause you know...eating disorder). But, the lyrics that really stand out to everyone is  "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off." Think about it, whatever is worrying you, hurting you, or holding you back in life is your own devil. That devil is keeping you from dancing, so you got to shake it out, in order to live your life. Listen to the song, the words, and relate it to your life. This song really can make a difference, It did for me.

You vs. Society

                      Today, our lives are controlled by society. It controls what you wear, how you look, what you weigh, your hair, music you listen to, what you watch, how you talk, and how you feel about yourself. Personally, it is hard for me to think about things I do everyday without being concerned about what society thinks. These days we worry more about what makes others, society, and peers happy than what really makes us happy. I mean, why wouldn't we, we are human, and humans strive for people to love and accept them. People today feel the only way to get accepted, is to do what makes everyone else happy. So how are we supposed to enjoy our lives, if we constantly do things only to make others happy. So maybe, you can challenge yourself, to do something that makes you happy and goes against the rest of society. It doesn't have to be something huge, maybe just wearing a skirt when you don't feel like shaving your legs, dying your hair a wild color, or speaking up about your beliefs on twitter. Take a chance to be different, to be yourself, go against everyone else. Make yourself happy, not everyone else. Do things for yourself, and maybe you can start loving yourself a little more.

A little about me

I decided for my first post, to just tell who I am, and where I have been. I am sixteen years old, and said before, I have been dealing with my struggles for as long as I can remember. It took me a long time to admit to my problems, even when I was in a treatment center across the country. I lost alot with my eating disorder, including almost my life. I have recently chose to go back to treatment, and spent eight weeks at Selah House in Anderson Indiana. It changed my life, changed me, and helped be belong belief. I still struggle, I still cry, but I am determined to beat this. I know everyone struggling has the hope and determination to beat it to. So feel free to contact me, I will be more than happy to talk.