Saving

I look around at my school and see all of these kids with scars on their arms, sadness in their eyes, or pain in their life. I see people on twitter, instagram, and tumblr that have nothing but hate for themselves. I hear the stories from those around me or those who reach out to me with their issues and struggles. It is shocking and scary to see all of these people young and old fighting their own demons. It is sad that so many of us feel this way, feel like there is no way to solve our problems, that we have no purpose, we feel lonley, think we are fat, hate who we are, have no one to reach out to, have no reason to keep fighting. It is also devastating that you cannot save them all. That you cannot reach out and keep every person safe and teach them to love themselves. For me, I wish I could. I want to help everyone who I see is hurting. But that is impossible, im one teenager in a world with millions suffering. But I try my best to support those who seek me out, to encourage and teach. A big lesson I have learned is that you have to help yourself first. You cannot go around saving people and giving them advice that you don't even listen to. You can't help people when you are falling apart just as much as them. One of my best friends explained it like this: what do the flight attendants say to do with your oxygen mask in an emergency?  They tell you to put yours on first, making sure its secure and safe. Then you help those around you to put theirs on. So put your oxygen mask on first, make sure you are breathing well before you save the others. 

Imperfect Recovery

                   Recovery is not easy and it is not perfect. It is full of slip ups and set backs. Recovery on a graph wouldn't be a perfect diagonal line, it would be wavy, up and downs, all over the place. For many people recovering from an eating disorder, the perfectionist side of them wants that "perfect recovery." That isn't possible though, there is going to be days harder than others. There are going to be meals you want to skip, behaviors you want to use, and weight you want to lose. And sometimes in the midst of stress and issues of life you fall back into those behaviors.
                 Slipping up once and a while is okay, when you begin to rely on those unhealthy behaviors is when it becomes a bigger problem. You have to forgive yourself when you mess up, you have to let others know you are struggling, and you have to get back on your feet. It would be great if it was that easy though, if you didn't eat enough one day but you got back to a meal plan the next, if you purged one meal but kept everything else down from then on. Sometimes you get stuck in those behaviors, and the eating disorder thoughts get stronger. Then you start feeling more of the lonely depression, the preoccupation with food, the hunger and self hatred. You know life is so much more enjoyable without all of these issues taking over again, but you can not fix it all by yourself. You have to admit you are struggling, and that is hard. You have to tell someone what you have been doing, you have to let them know how you have been feeling, you have to let them support you and hold you accountable. You may not want to give up the mask of the girl with the perfect recovery. You may not want to disappoint those around you or those who are struggling and look up to you. But getting back on track to recovery isn't about everyone else, it is about you. It is about you wanting to save yourself from that dark depressing torture.

Unexpected Supporters

   The people in my life are the most important things to me. I am beyond thankful for so many people that support me through everything. But I feel that sometimes you find support in the most unexpected people. 

         Someone who supports you dosn't have to be someone who holds your hand and constantly reminds you how much they love you. Someone who supports you keeps you going. They keep you sane. They keep you from crying in the middle of class. They keep you from having an anxiety attack over a test. Someone who supports you listens to every complaint you have. They can make you laugh and forget whatever was stressing you. 

        Over the past few years I have found an overwhelming amount of support from someone extreamly unexpected. From a biology teacher that I hated at the beginning of freshman year.  I gave him alot of crap, and still do, but he still cares for me. I never would have thought a teacher would be someone who kept me strong. His words of advice are simple, yet perfect. He constantly reminds his classes of how little importance grades are. That school is something we  need to stress over, because we have a whole life to enjoy. I wish everyone  could meet him, because he has changed my life and how I look at it. I hope he knows how thankful I am to know him. 

Stereotypes

      Due to my expiriences the past few years I have seen the world in a new way.  After being back at school I realized something I feel strongly against. 

Our society revolves around stereotypes.

I see this as something that negatively affects our self esteem. We are classified into a certain group and believed to act and look like everyone else in that group. Maybe we know that we don't act like the group we look like, but thanks to what our generation has been taught,we conform to act like something we are not. 

       I have seen prime examples of my new belief everywhere. My sisters "be smart against drugs" day is called "Nerd day" people automatically think the word "nerd" when we hear "smart." But is every smart person the cliche knee socks, big glasses, and suspenders geek? No. A group of 20 kids in my school agreed that someone who self harms is emo. Am I the all black wearing and side bang punk girl? No. Is the boy who comes in late to school everyday and  like he doesn't care a druggie? No. We are put into stereotypes based off multiple categories: How we dress, where we live, our report card, music we listen to, sports we play, the friends we have, your mental disorders, your size, and so many more. But do any of those things decide who we are? No.   People stereotype one another without knowing our background and why we dress, act, or listen to this or that. We cant change how every person in our society acts and thinks, but we can change ourselves. So next time you get a new partner in class dont place them into a clique they look like. Accept them, learn about them, because they may be someone completley different than you expected. 

School. Yay.

    It is that time of the year again. The time that kids dread and parents secretly look foward too. Yep, school starts. I know I am personally terrified to get back into high school. I haven't been since February, so it feels like forever. I understand the fear of high school, or any school in general. I know it is scary to walk into a huge school, to feel invisible    and judged at the same time. I know how it feels to compare yourself to everyone you pass in the hall, or to sit alone in a class where everyone else knows each other. I know the stress when the teacher calls on you to read and the worry for each test you take. So this post is for anyone who every feels like this at school. For all those students who are already worried sick for that first day, who cry about school, or fake sick to get out for a day. For all those kids who hate school, because of all the anxiety and stress. You can make it. School can be fun. You get to see your friends, go to dances, dress up for spirt weeks, cheer at football games. You get to be involved.   I know school is scary, but you can do it, you can finish this year, and one day be able to look back on it and say "wow, i really loved that school year." 

I know some pretty great people...

     I stay in recovery for myself, but I couldn't do it without the people in my life. Some days they are the only reason why I keep fighting. Besides my amazing therapist, I have so many people around me who are always rooting me on. My family is always my number one fan, even though we fight quite a bit. I also have my friends, I don't know if I would be alive without them. They try their best to understand everything I go through and always rush to my side when I am struggling. There are so many times when they put my needs in front of their own, and I am so grateful for that. Now, I can always turn to all of those amazing people, but sometimes I find the people I barley know the most helpful. When I'm struggling I can always go to friends from treatment to help pick me up. Sometimes when strangers come to me for help, it inspires me to keep fighting and helping others. 

        Recently I was lucky enough to hear  a girl's life story. I had never met her, let alone heard of her, but I was instantly amazed with her strength and compassion. She told of her rough times, many of which I could relate too. She had kept fighting and living, even when she didn't want too. She is a warrior, she did not give up on her life, even when she was ready too. I am so glad she didn't, because she has already changed my life. I actually got to talk to her last night about self harm, since she has recovered from that. She had the most wonderful words of wisdom that I will forever look back at. She talked to me about stopping self harm for good, because she knew how horrible it is. The one thing she said that really stuck with me was "God doesn't want you to struggle with this. He gave you a bumpy road, so you can prove to people that you are very very strong. Your strength, gets people through so many things." I mean, how perfect is that? That was only one of the amazing things she told me. We made a promise, that if I stayed strong against self harm she would stay by my side. We would stay strong together. Her advice gave me a new look on stopping self harm for good, and showed me that it is possible. She is truly amazing and her love and courage is so inspiring. She told me that I am an inspiration to her, I hope she knows that she is an inspiration to me.

Rocks

               Thirty girl campers and five amazing counselors sat in a circle around a candle, listening to one of the deepest devotions that we would hear. That night we talked about how we all have a "rock" or some burden that we carry around, dragging and weighing us down. That rock could be a single event or mistake or something that you worry about everyday. We talked about the rock in our lives and how we need to let go of it. That letting go of it, will be the only way for you to fully enjoy your life. We each grabbed a dirty and bulky rock from the middle of the circle, and thought of what our own rock represented. Some rocks were about friends, divorces, or deaths. Some about alcohol, boys, or family. Other rocks about self hate, suicide, or self harm. Mine about my eating disorder, that held me down each day. Each rock held a deep importance in our lives, a burden that has the power to change each one of us, and a burden that needed to be let go.
           We walked in a line, gripping each other's hands, in the dark silence of a sleeping camp. We lined up at the muddy shore of the river, looking out to the flowing river surrounded by a a million old trees. The only light was the full moon and every star in the clear night sky. We stood in silence looking at a perfect scenery, then heard a prayer for all of our rocks and all of our issues. One by one we threw that heavy rock in the river, letting it go. Some people took longer to let it go, not knowing if they were ready. It took me a while to throw my rock filled with self hate, food, and pain. When I did, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, a bigger sense of freedom. A small group of us stayed back, sobbing and hugging. We stood in a circle, and shared each of our rocks, and supported each other. I don't know how long we stood down by that river for, but it was worth it. We all cried and hugged until we had no tears left. That night will always be one of my favorites, not only did I let go of my rock, but I grew closer and became supported by the most amazing girls.

Let it Go

      Sometimes people say or do things that hurt us, and the best choice is to let it go. I realized this today, when I was walking out of six flags. A group of teenage guys and one girlfriend followed behind my friend and I. One of the boys asked me for my number, I said no thanks because I didn't know him. I walked back to my friend and heard one of the boys yell " It's because you are fat"  at me. Due to my knowledge on how much damage that word can be, and my recovery, I couldn't just take that. After a little confrontation with these kids, I walked away. I realized these people didn't know my story, didn't know that is one of the scariest words for me, they were just angry about my rejection. 

         I knew I couldn't let a little comment like that mess up my recovery. Yes, my amazing friends stood up for me, and made sure I knee how wrong they were. But, I had to realize that those kids do not matter, these strangers in a parking lot cannot decide my future or determine my worth. Everyone has incidents where someone says or does something to hurt us, weather intentional or not. We can let that person and what they did bother us and stick with us. Or, we can be the better person who walks away and brushes off whatever hurt us. I know it is so hard to just let someone hurt you, but getting in a fight over it won't make you feel better. You have to believe that whatever was said or done will not make you less of a person. So don't let what others have done bother you, learn to shake off those negative words.

Enough

                     One day at Selah House, during our body image group the therapist were writing words or phrases that related to us across our forehead. We all were walking around with our positive words written in plain sight on our face. My friend had the word "enough" written in black marker on her forehead. Today, she decided that would be written as a tattoo on her foot.
                     I never really thought about the word "enough" as a compliment, it makes sense though. We all want to be enough. Think about how many times you want to be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, nice enough, smart enough, loved enough, worth enough. Many times we believe our set backs in life are caused by not being good enough at something. You can't get into Yale because "you are not smart enough." You can't be a model because "you are not skinny enough." You can't get a boyfriend because "you are not pretty enough." The words of not being good enough fill our heads daily, whatever the reason, and we always seem to believe them. Imagine if we always believed that whatever we did was good enough. If whatever we looked like was pretty enough, that our body was always nice enough for us to love. I feel like we all would have a lot less worries in life then. When used as an adjective the dictionary definition of enough is to be adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. If you think about this in terms of our lives, it is extremely true. We all want to fulfill a want and desire in either our own or other's life. I think that we all need that constant reminder that we are enough, that we don't need to change ourselves, and that trying our best is always good enough. Try to remember, you are enough, no matter what.

Inside my Mind

                I have recently realized how little our society understands about nutrition, proper exercise, being "fat," and eating disorders. Whether it is on television , magazines, websites, and even schools, many times healthy lifestyles are promoted in an unhealthy way. Even my school district doesn't teach the true facts on eating disorders, if they teach it at all. Now, I could go into all the ways to truly be healthy and the real information on eating disorders, but I will save that lesson for another post. I thought a good way to help others understand an eating disorder better, is by giving common day to day thoughts and feelings of someone whom is struggling.
                First, let me clear up a huge misconception. An outrageous number of people (including the writers of my schools psychology book) think that anorexia and bulimia are just an attempt to lose weight because they think they are fat and ugly. While eating disorders appear to be only about weight and food,  they are normally a way for people to try to cope with negative feelings, emotions, or experiences. Near the begining of an eating disorder every meal you skip or time you purge feels like you are in power, happy, healthy, confident, and perfect. As you continue to not nourish your body, everyone else sees you becoming sick, while you see yourself getting perfect. After some time the  euphoria of your eating disorder wares off and is replaced with a mentally numb feeling. You start to just go through the motions, not feeling happy or sad. All the things that used to make you happy or upset don't anymore. You just continue the never ending circle of unhealthy eating. Your eating disorder starts to point out every imperfection in your life, making it seem that you will never be good enough, happy, or loved. The numb feeling turns into depression, you always are crying about how much you can't stand your life. The unworthy feelings get stronger as your eating disorder gets stronger. You feel alone as you slowly ruin your life. When people bring up your food or mental issues, you get angry and defensive, not wanting anyone to change or know about your secret. You don't care about how unhealthy you are becoming, you only care about your size, food, and worth. Every time you see the scale go up or stay the same you are filled with gut wrenching devastation, that only makes your eating disorder stronger. All you feel on your body is every ounce of fat. You spend hours staring into the mirror with self hatred until you end up sobbing on the bathroom floor. Your only thoughts revolve around food, body, weight, size, perfection, and numbers. Soon your eating disorder and emotions are so uncontrollably painful that you think everything would be better if you just didn't wake up the next morning. Your life continues to spiral down until you find the want and determination to get your life back. Until you start to recover, and see the true beauty of life and yourself.