One Year Free

Today is ayear since I have been out of Selah House for treatment. It doesn't seem like it has been that long, but looking back it has been a year full of successes and set backs. The first few months I was out, I did wonderful and had days where I felt great about myself. I felt the best I had in a long time. Those first few months I figured out what kept me in recovery, and it is helping others. Starting this blog and working to inspire others were results of selah, and a big motivator in my recovery. I made a lot of huge accomplishments in this year, but I also had set backs. I discovered recovery cannot be perfect, you must keep working at it each day and have to stay open about how you are doing. Within this year I have dealt with issues I had not yet addressed. And, despite my personal promise to "never go to treatment again" I found myself in an inpatient program. This year I have expanded my support system with amazing new friends and have stayed in school longer than I ever have in high school. I have found out what happiness and self acceptance is, and I know it is possible to find. Thank you to all of those at Selah House and the friends and family who have cheered me on through everything.  

Happy Moments

     I have these little moments once and a while where I just feel completely carefree and happy. I have become more and more aware of them recently, but have been noticing them for years. In these random times, just for a minute or so, I feel so tranquil and at peace with myself.  I'm not worried about anything, all those voices that fill my head with negative thaughts go silent. And all I feel is happy. I get these little "happy moments" at any time, while dancing in my living room with my little sisters, laying out under the stars at camp, or even just driving with my windows down blaring Shake It Out. I think these little happy moments are crucial to my recovery, because they are always just brief reminders of the joy I can feel when im not worrying on everything else... I am living in the moment. So try and recognize your happy moments and realize the peaceful and lighthearted feelings that come with them. Remember, a good life is a collection of happy moments.

NEDA Awareness week

So this week is NEDA (National Eating Disorder Assosiasion) week. This week is dedicated to the awarness and education of eating disorders. This year has a theme of "I had no idea that eating disorders could destroy lives." This quote is something no one knows until they live it or someone they know lives it. Eating disorders are real, they are mental illnesses, and it is not just a choice. An eating disorder is like an addiction, it is a torturous voice constantly in your head, and it is hell. Please use this week to promote awarness and to educate yourself and others, because everybody knows somebody struggling. 

Forgive yourself

We, as humans, mess up.. A lot. And for many of us it is hard to forgive ourselves. We beat ourselves up for every little mistake we make and each flaw we have. If your best friend made the mistake you made, you would forgive them right away and help them fix what they messed up. So, why would you not do that to yourself? We try so hard to be perfect in every thing we do, so when we do make a tiny mistake, we think it is the end of the world and keep beating ourselves up about it for the rest of our lives. Maybe you cheat on a test, make fun of a kid in class, relapse and go to a hospital, break up with your boyfriend, or just forget to do your homework.. It is okay. Accept and own up to whatever you did, big or small, and move on. Because, dwelling on those past mistakes only allow those mistakes to define you. 

Saving

I look around at my school and see all of these kids with scars on their arms, sadness in their eyes, or pain in their life. I see people on twitter, instagram, and tumblr that have nothing but hate for themselves. I hear the stories from those around me or those who reach out to me with their issues and struggles. It is shocking and scary to see all of these people young and old fighting their own demons. It is sad that so many of us feel this way, feel like there is no way to solve our problems, that we have no purpose, we feel lonley, think we are fat, hate who we are, have no one to reach out to, have no reason to keep fighting. It is also devastating that you cannot save them all. That you cannot reach out and keep every person safe and teach them to love themselves. For me, I wish I could. I want to help everyone who I see is hurting. But that is impossible, im one teenager in a world with millions suffering. But I try my best to support those who seek me out, to encourage and teach. A big lesson I have learned is that you have to help yourself first. You cannot go around saving people and giving them advice that you don't even listen to. You can't help people when you are falling apart just as much as them. One of my best friends explained it like this: what do the flight attendants say to do with your oxygen mask in an emergency?  They tell you to put yours on first, making sure its secure and safe. Then you help those around you to put theirs on. So put your oxygen mask on first, make sure you are breathing well before you save the others. 

Imperfect Recovery

                   Recovery is not easy and it is not perfect. It is full of slip ups and set backs. Recovery on a graph wouldn't be a perfect diagonal line, it would be wavy, up and downs, all over the place. For many people recovering from an eating disorder, the perfectionist side of them wants that "perfect recovery." That isn't possible though, there is going to be days harder than others. There are going to be meals you want to skip, behaviors you want to use, and weight you want to lose. And sometimes in the midst of stress and issues of life you fall back into those behaviors.
                 Slipping up once and a while is okay, when you begin to rely on those unhealthy behaviors is when it becomes a bigger problem. You have to forgive yourself when you mess up, you have to let others know you are struggling, and you have to get back on your feet. It would be great if it was that easy though, if you didn't eat enough one day but you got back to a meal plan the next, if you purged one meal but kept everything else down from then on. Sometimes you get stuck in those behaviors, and the eating disorder thoughts get stronger. Then you start feeling more of the lonely depression, the preoccupation with food, the hunger and self hatred. You know life is so much more enjoyable without all of these issues taking over again, but you can not fix it all by yourself. You have to admit you are struggling, and that is hard. You have to tell someone what you have been doing, you have to let them know how you have been feeling, you have to let them support you and hold you accountable. You may not want to give up the mask of the girl with the perfect recovery. You may not want to disappoint those around you or those who are struggling and look up to you. But getting back on track to recovery isn't about everyone else, it is about you. It is about you wanting to save yourself from that dark depressing torture.

Unexpected Supporters

   The people in my life are the most important things to me. I am beyond thankful for so many people that support me through everything. But I feel that sometimes you find support in the most unexpected people. 

         Someone who supports you dosn't have to be someone who holds your hand and constantly reminds you how much they love you. Someone who supports you keeps you going. They keep you sane. They keep you from crying in the middle of class. They keep you from having an anxiety attack over a test. Someone who supports you listens to every complaint you have. They can make you laugh and forget whatever was stressing you. 

        Over the past few years I have found an overwhelming amount of support from someone extreamly unexpected. From a biology teacher that I hated at the beginning of freshman year.  I gave him alot of crap, and still do, but he still cares for me. I never would have thought a teacher would be someone who kept me strong. His words of advice are simple, yet perfect. He constantly reminds his classes of how little importance grades are. That school is something we  need to stress over, because we have a whole life to enjoy. I wish everyone  could meet him, because he has changed my life and how I look at it. I hope he knows how thankful I am to know him. 

Stereotypes

      Due to my expiriences the past few years I have seen the world in a new way.  After being back at school I realized something I feel strongly against. 

Our society revolves around stereotypes.

I see this as something that negatively affects our self esteem. We are classified into a certain group and believed to act and look like everyone else in that group. Maybe we know that we don't act like the group we look like, but thanks to what our generation has been taught,we conform to act like something we are not. 

       I have seen prime examples of my new belief everywhere. My sisters "be smart against drugs" day is called "Nerd day" people automatically think the word "nerd" when we hear "smart." But is every smart person the cliche knee socks, big glasses, and suspenders geek? No. A group of 20 kids in my school agreed that someone who self harms is emo. Am I the all black wearing and side bang punk girl? No. Is the boy who comes in late to school everyday and  like he doesn't care a druggie? No. We are put into stereotypes based off multiple categories: How we dress, where we live, our report card, music we listen to, sports we play, the friends we have, your mental disorders, your size, and so many more. But do any of those things decide who we are? No.   People stereotype one another without knowing our background and why we dress, act, or listen to this or that. We cant change how every person in our society acts and thinks, but we can change ourselves. So next time you get a new partner in class dont place them into a clique they look like. Accept them, learn about them, because they may be someone completley different than you expected. 

School. Yay.

    It is that time of the year again. The time that kids dread and parents secretly look foward too. Yep, school starts. I know I am personally terrified to get back into high school. I haven't been since February, so it feels like forever. I understand the fear of high school, or any school in general. I know it is scary to walk into a huge school, to feel invisible    and judged at the same time. I know how it feels to compare yourself to everyone you pass in the hall, or to sit alone in a class where everyone else knows each other. I know the stress when the teacher calls on you to read and the worry for each test you take. So this post is for anyone who every feels like this at school. For all those students who are already worried sick for that first day, who cry about school, or fake sick to get out for a day. For all those kids who hate school, because of all the anxiety and stress. You can make it. School can be fun. You get to see your friends, go to dances, dress up for spirt weeks, cheer at football games. You get to be involved.   I know school is scary, but you can do it, you can finish this year, and one day be able to look back on it and say "wow, i really loved that school year." 

I know some pretty great people...

     I stay in recovery for myself, but I couldn't do it without the people in my life. Some days they are the only reason why I keep fighting. Besides my amazing therapist, I have so many people around me who are always rooting me on. My family is always my number one fan, even though we fight quite a bit. I also have my friends, I don't know if I would be alive without them. They try their best to understand everything I go through and always rush to my side when I am struggling. There are so many times when they put my needs in front of their own, and I am so grateful for that. Now, I can always turn to all of those amazing people, but sometimes I find the people I barley know the most helpful. When I'm struggling I can always go to friends from treatment to help pick me up. Sometimes when strangers come to me for help, it inspires me to keep fighting and helping others. 

        Recently I was lucky enough to hear  a girl's life story. I had never met her, let alone heard of her, but I was instantly amazed with her strength and compassion. She told of her rough times, many of which I could relate too. She had kept fighting and living, even when she didn't want too. She is a warrior, she did not give up on her life, even when she was ready too. I am so glad she didn't, because she has already changed my life. I actually got to talk to her last night about self harm, since she has recovered from that. She had the most wonderful words of wisdom that I will forever look back at. She talked to me about stopping self harm for good, because she knew how horrible it is. The one thing she said that really stuck with me was "God doesn't want you to struggle with this. He gave you a bumpy road, so you can prove to people that you are very very strong. Your strength, gets people through so many things." I mean, how perfect is that? That was only one of the amazing things she told me. We made a promise, that if I stayed strong against self harm she would stay by my side. We would stay strong together. Her advice gave me a new look on stopping self harm for good, and showed me that it is possible. She is truly amazing and her love and courage is so inspiring. She told me that I am an inspiration to her, I hope she knows that she is an inspiration to me.