Recovery is not easy and it is not perfect. It is full of slip ups and set backs. Recovery on a graph wouldn't be a perfect diagonal line, it would be wavy, up and downs, all over the place. For many people recovering from an eating disorder, the perfectionist side of them wants that "perfect recovery." That isn't possible though, there is going to be days harder than others. There are going to be meals you want to skip, behaviors you want to use, and weight you want to lose. And sometimes in the midst of stress and issues of life you fall back into those behaviors.
Slipping up once and a while is okay, when you begin to rely on those unhealthy behaviors is when it becomes a bigger problem. You have to forgive yourself when you mess up, you have to let others know you are struggling, and you have to get back on your feet. It would be great if it was that easy though, if you didn't eat enough one day but you got back to a meal plan the next, if you purged one meal but kept everything else down from then on. Sometimes you get stuck in those behaviors, and the eating disorder thoughts get stronger. Then you start feeling more of the lonely depression, the preoccupation with food, the hunger and self hatred. You know life is so much more enjoyable without all of these issues taking over again, but you can not fix it all by yourself. You have to admit you are struggling, and that is hard. You have to tell someone what you have been doing, you have to let them know how you have been feeling, you have to let them support you and hold you accountable. You may not want to give up the mask of the girl with the perfect recovery. You may not want to disappoint those around you or those who are struggling and look up to you. But getting back on track to recovery isn't about everyone else, it is about you. It is about you wanting to save yourself from that dark depressing torture.
