Giving Up Your Eating Disorder

                     It is scary to let go of something that you have had in your life for so long. When Struggling with an eating disorder for years, it becomes all you know. You become comfortable in the routine of self hate, anxiety, and guilt after every meal. Even in recovery you want to keep holding on to a small part of your eating disorder, because you have no idea what life will be without it. You have to start realizing how horrible and unnecessary your eating disorder is for you. You have to notice how much of your life you are wasting by stressing out over anything you eat. If you want to be truly happy, if you want to fully embrace recovery and start loving yourself and your life, you have to let go. You have to let go of the past, you have to stop replaying those horrible moments in your head, and you have to move on. You have to let go of the idea that eating what you want will make you gain weight, because you are smart enough to know that eating a burger and fries will not change your body. You have to let go of the self hate and all the negative things you say to yourself, you may still have those thoughts but you can choose to not listen to them. You have to let go of your fear of food, because you deserve to eat delicious things, like ice cream and pizza, without the guilt following it. By letting go of all of those damaging things, you can start to truly live your life. You can start accepting yourself, for who you are. You can start letting others care and love for you, even at your ugliest times. You can start being happy.

Finding Peace

            I was just blessed with an opportunity to work a month as a camp counselor  at Camp Tecusmeh. It is the camp I had spent a couple weeks at each summer the past six years. My experience working there was better than any time as a camper, and it definitely left an impact on me. Everyday at camp I was filled with joy, gratitude, and tranquility. I found bliss in each small thing. In the bright eyes of a smiling camper, or while the whole camp sang along to a chapel song, or even just when I looked up to the huge open sky, filled with billions of dazzling stars. 
            One day, as I walked down a path to my cabin for a much needed rest hour, I realized that I was truly happy and at peace with myself. I looked out to the clear sky above the forest of pine trees and felt so content with my life. I was so proud that I was spending my days with kids, giving them the best time of their summers and I was so thrilled to be at my favorite place on Earth. I realized how happy I felt. I also was excited because food was not a constant thought on my mind, and I wasn't feeling urges to harm myself. I then thought about the few times thoughout the weeks when I would feel depressed and alone, or when I felt really guilty for eating candy late at night. But, I realized I was still happy and doing well. Even though I had hard times, I had managed to go a month with only one anxiety attack (and that is awesome!) and I was still enjoying myself. My life was not going perfectly, and I accepted that, and instead realized that I was not worried about myself and enjoying each day of my life. I was amazed that I felt this way, considering that I felt the exact opposite only a few months ago. I was proud and grateful that my life could take such a turn and I could feel so happy. So, I have decided to remember these feelings I felt throughout my time at camp to help carry on that happiness and peacefulness for the rest of the summer.

The "F" word

                      I have a strong belief that the word "fat" is a bad word. I feel that is is explicit and should never be used, especially when using it to describe a person. The Webster dictionary's definition of fat is "a natural oily or greasy substance occurring in animal bodies, especially when deposited as a layer under the skin or around certain organs." When, where, and why did that definition translate to someone who is obese or overweight, and in today's society, anyone with more than just skin and bones. The word "fat" is thrown around so easily and has become an acceptable description for someone. It also carries a ton of negative notions with it.
                   I feel it is absolutely ridiculous to call or describe someone as fat. Obviously, it is hurtful and mentally harming to call someone fat, but I am frequently disturbed by the use of fat as a description. There has been countless times where I hear someone describe a person as "fat" or "the fat one," and this infuriates me. Why is it necessary to use the word fat to describe a person, let alone a person's personality? Today's society also uses "fat" when talking about eating, as though eating, or nourishing your body, is automatically going to make you fat. I recently saw someones instagram post of a yogurt container with the caption, "about to eat this yogurt #fatlife." These statements can be found all over social media, following pictures, tweets, or a status of a restaurant, eating, or enjoying any food. This idea that eating something makes you a "fatty" not only spreads the false correlation between nourishing your body and being overweight, but also confirms the same inaccurate belief people struggling with eating disorders have in their head.
So let's stop using the word fat.

One Year Free

Today is ayear since I have been out of Selah House for treatment. It doesn't seem like it has been that long, but looking back it has been a year full of successes and set backs. The first few months I was out, I did wonderful and had days where I felt great about myself. I felt the best I had in a long time. Those first few months I figured out what kept me in recovery, and it is helping others. Starting this blog and working to inspire others were results of selah, and a big motivator in my recovery. I made a lot of huge accomplishments in this year, but I also had set backs. I discovered recovery cannot be perfect, you must keep working at it each day and have to stay open about how you are doing. Within this year I have dealt with issues I had not yet addressed. And, despite my personal promise to "never go to treatment again" I found myself in an inpatient program. This year I have expanded my support system with amazing new friends and have stayed in school longer than I ever have in high school. I have found out what happiness and self acceptance is, and I know it is possible to find. Thank you to all of those at Selah House and the friends and family who have cheered me on through everything.  

Happy Moments

     I have these little moments once and a while where I just feel completely carefree and happy. I have become more and more aware of them recently, but have been noticing them for years. In these random times, just for a minute or so, I feel so tranquil and at peace with myself.  I'm not worried about anything, all those voices that fill my head with negative thaughts go silent. And all I feel is happy. I get these little "happy moments" at any time, while dancing in my living room with my little sisters, laying out under the stars at camp, or even just driving with my windows down blaring Shake It Out. I think these little happy moments are crucial to my recovery, because they are always just brief reminders of the joy I can feel when im not worrying on everything else... I am living in the moment. So try and recognize your happy moments and realize the peaceful and lighthearted feelings that come with them. Remember, a good life is a collection of happy moments.

NEDA Awareness week

So this week is NEDA (National Eating Disorder Assosiasion) week. This week is dedicated to the awarness and education of eating disorders. This year has a theme of "I had no idea that eating disorders could destroy lives." This quote is something no one knows until they live it or someone they know lives it. Eating disorders are real, they are mental illnesses, and it is not just a choice. An eating disorder is like an addiction, it is a torturous voice constantly in your head, and it is hell. Please use this week to promote awarness and to educate yourself and others, because everybody knows somebody struggling. 

Forgive yourself

We, as humans, mess up.. A lot. And for many of us it is hard to forgive ourselves. We beat ourselves up for every little mistake we make and each flaw we have. If your best friend made the mistake you made, you would forgive them right away and help them fix what they messed up. So, why would you not do that to yourself? We try so hard to be perfect in every thing we do, so when we do make a tiny mistake, we think it is the end of the world and keep beating ourselves up about it for the rest of our lives. Maybe you cheat on a test, make fun of a kid in class, relapse and go to a hospital, break up with your boyfriend, or just forget to do your homework.. It is okay. Accept and own up to whatever you did, big or small, and move on. Because, dwelling on those past mistakes only allow those mistakes to define you. 

Saving

I look around at my school and see all of these kids with scars on their arms, sadness in their eyes, or pain in their life. I see people on twitter, instagram, and tumblr that have nothing but hate for themselves. I hear the stories from those around me or those who reach out to me with their issues and struggles. It is shocking and scary to see all of these people young and old fighting their own demons. It is sad that so many of us feel this way, feel like there is no way to solve our problems, that we have no purpose, we feel lonley, think we are fat, hate who we are, have no one to reach out to, have no reason to keep fighting. It is also devastating that you cannot save them all. That you cannot reach out and keep every person safe and teach them to love themselves. For me, I wish I could. I want to help everyone who I see is hurting. But that is impossible, im one teenager in a world with millions suffering. But I try my best to support those who seek me out, to encourage and teach. A big lesson I have learned is that you have to help yourself first. You cannot go around saving people and giving them advice that you don't even listen to. You can't help people when you are falling apart just as much as them. One of my best friends explained it like this: what do the flight attendants say to do with your oxygen mask in an emergency?  They tell you to put yours on first, making sure its secure and safe. Then you help those around you to put theirs on. So put your oxygen mask on first, make sure you are breathing well before you save the others. 

Imperfect Recovery

                   Recovery is not easy and it is not perfect. It is full of slip ups and set backs. Recovery on a graph wouldn't be a perfect diagonal line, it would be wavy, up and downs, all over the place. For many people recovering from an eating disorder, the perfectionist side of them wants that "perfect recovery." That isn't possible though, there is going to be days harder than others. There are going to be meals you want to skip, behaviors you want to use, and weight you want to lose. And sometimes in the midst of stress and issues of life you fall back into those behaviors.
                 Slipping up once and a while is okay, when you begin to rely on those unhealthy behaviors is when it becomes a bigger problem. You have to forgive yourself when you mess up, you have to let others know you are struggling, and you have to get back on your feet. It would be great if it was that easy though, if you didn't eat enough one day but you got back to a meal plan the next, if you purged one meal but kept everything else down from then on. Sometimes you get stuck in those behaviors, and the eating disorder thoughts get stronger. Then you start feeling more of the lonely depression, the preoccupation with food, the hunger and self hatred. You know life is so much more enjoyable without all of these issues taking over again, but you can not fix it all by yourself. You have to admit you are struggling, and that is hard. You have to tell someone what you have been doing, you have to let them know how you have been feeling, you have to let them support you and hold you accountable. You may not want to give up the mask of the girl with the perfect recovery. You may not want to disappoint those around you or those who are struggling and look up to you. But getting back on track to recovery isn't about everyone else, it is about you. It is about you wanting to save yourself from that dark depressing torture.

Unexpected Supporters

   The people in my life are the most important things to me. I am beyond thankful for so many people that support me through everything. But I feel that sometimes you find support in the most unexpected people. 

         Someone who supports you dosn't have to be someone who holds your hand and constantly reminds you how much they love you. Someone who supports you keeps you going. They keep you sane. They keep you from crying in the middle of class. They keep you from having an anxiety attack over a test. Someone who supports you listens to every complaint you have. They can make you laugh and forget whatever was stressing you. 

        Over the past few years I have found an overwhelming amount of support from someone extreamly unexpected. From a biology teacher that I hated at the beginning of freshman year.  I gave him alot of crap, and still do, but he still cares for me. I never would have thought a teacher would be someone who kept me strong. His words of advice are simple, yet perfect. He constantly reminds his classes of how little importance grades are. That school is something we  need to stress over, because we have a whole life to enjoy. I wish everyone  could meet him, because he has changed my life and how I look at it. I hope he knows how thankful I am to know him.